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| Time: | 3:13 pm. |
| Mood: |  hungry. | | Music: | Some kid who wont shut up. |
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My FAFSA processed, but thats all I know.
I messed around on the site for ev-er and couldnt find anything that tells me what next.
Ray and I are still sorta fighting.
Sorta.
Mostly.
Anyway.
When I figure out how to post some pics, I will.
TinyGirl is not so terribly tiny anymore.
I think Im going to go have pictures taken professionally. Maybe that will cheer me up.
Cross your fingers for me. I really need to hear back that I got this job.
Its taken me forever to get an interview and the stores within walking distance.
It looks like things might be looking up.
But that seems to be when Im the most disappointed.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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I got to see E today. She gets bigger everytime and the hour shorter. She can sit up fairly well and loves to be on her feet. She chews on her hands all the time..and whatever else she can grab, which means she drools everywhere. I miss her so bad. I had finally gotten to be someone I liked being and that got taken away from me.
I can't really sleep and Im smoking a great deal.
I'm getting loud and obscene again. As much fun as that has been, I'm over it. I want my daughter, myself, my life back.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
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Days all seem to smear into that purple grey oil paint stench.
But what can one do?
smoke
eat
fake knit
sit through meetings- read my lit
smoke again
fade
and rage
the more things change the more they stay they same
thats how it goes, yeah?
and wait
we're all waiting
me and every single member of my strange little entourage.
and a tiny girl
sleeps somewhere else
with people she doesnt know
and i hardly sleep at all
because who am i without her?
the me that so few love
or even consider
lost and angry
there are so many more words- but really just lost and angry
and smoke
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, February 15th, 2007
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It itches
and I want another
lots of nothers
and little else
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Thursday, January 4th, 2007
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its a girl
not that you read here anymore
december ninth shortly before midnight
with the aid of an epidural
and two of my most trusted accomplices
she sleeps mostly
and drools
"look at all that hair!!"
yeah
its good
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, December 4th, 2006
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I'm done.
Nothing fits over my belly
or my boobs
i can hardly move
i can hardly breathe
ican hardly sleep
it could be worse
like
say
having no one to rub my back
oh yeah
i got the permanent PFA today
he didnt even show up
my aunt has a blood clot near her belly button now
her leg is swollen and a sickly purple grey
she could die
my uncles best friend got told he has two weeks to live
and his wife is divorcing him
I am done
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, September 15th, 2006
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sorrows come not single spies but in great battallions
no i dont know how to spell battallions
but now it is the least of my problems
one of my social workers is supposed to bring me a crib next week
thats almost exciting
adoption keeps coming from the mouth of one especially bitter social worker
i dont want to meet with her anymore
I am doomed to ride the bus the rest of my life
and I am now resigned to the understanding I will never get laid again
Its kind of like when you see a road closed sign on the street to your favorite coffee shoppe
and then a week later you try to go to said shoppe again
to find that the road and the shoppe
have been demolished
its like that
My mother is very very sick
she cant turn her head anymore
and is very difficult to understand when she tries to speak
mostly you can make out
Im sorry
SHe probably wont ever see the baby
If I could cut God's tires I would
SRS sent me a letter yesterday informing me they want documentation that I am spending 30 hours a week looking for a job.
a job
That I will only be able to do for maybe two months
and what entry level position is suitable to someone in their third trimester?
I wont be paid for maternity leave- if I get maternity leave at all.
THen one month after the blessed event I will have to shi my baby off to SRS funded child care so that I can ride the bus for an hour to a shitty job
meaning I wont be able to breast feed- which I cant really afford not to do
ass
ANd Im still not smoking
I just need a long vacation in someone elses life
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, September 1st, 2006
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I am starting to feel waddley and its hard to breathe sometimes. My ankles still arent swollen or anything. So really no ocmplaints.
My mother is very ill and that is
very hard.
Ray and I dont seem to be working out, which is very stressful.
But all that aside.
Things seem to be looking up.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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So im in Dlyan's apartment playing with kitties and playing online.
But i think food is done, so i should go eat before theres none left.
I had another obgyn appointment the other day.
All is well I am told.
I am also told that it may take me longer to start showing because i started out fat.
And that I should only gain 20 pounds.
Despite haivng lost about 8 since mid april.
Im not supposed to lift more than twenty pounds, so I have to recruit people to halp me move. HOwever my best pals dont have cars, let alone the trucks that tend to be neccessary to moving furniture such as I hace accumuliated in the year plus that I have lived in my place.
The new place will be much nicer, so im not as bummed out about it as i was originally.
The only down side is that its on the third floor.
Im a little worried I'll get off-balance and fall either while im pregnant or when im carrying the baby.
My mother assures me Im just being maternal.
My mother's tumors have shrunken, but shes sick more often because of the new medication.
My baby-Daddy is being a royal asshole. I wont go into details.
BUt its intensely depressing.
i need more girl friends.
Or maybe just a girlfriend.
Then I wouldnt have to deal with testosterone slamming into my newly- abundant estrogen.
BUt Like I said---- They might eat it all If I dont hurry.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 3:37 pm. |
| Mood: | starving. | | Music: | snoring. |
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15 weeks pregnant and no boyfriend
poverty striken and unemployable
brilliant and unexpressed
isolated
and tits now so large I have forgotten the convenience of the previous enormity.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 6th, 2006
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Saturday, April 1st, 2006
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I love love.
And the chemicals are nice.
And I dont have to startmy day count over.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 25th, 2006
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I think NA needs to eat my ass.
All of them All the ideas.
AndI think I need a good stiff drink.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
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Not having a computer in my regular life buh- lows.
So my dearest and I are at the library.
Not a lot going on. Maybe I should do something more productive. He seems to be. Whatever.
oh oh
and a happy 30 dqys where ever you are
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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we're still at the library because Ray is being whiny. We just finished up taping Your Divine Power. It was mildly lame. Darlene invited us.
She was explaining the Free Masons and the symbols on the money and the idea of Christian Magic. IT got a little heated.
But now we're done. Maybe I can get Ray to take me to the store.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 29th, 2006
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mayben not so much pf this internet shit anymore
im bored
and it just seems really stupid anymore
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 21st, 2005
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so its another day
and I still havent gotten any of my stuff back from a certain asshole
I'm still not blonde
I'm still double D
I still smoke menthols
I still use tatoos as an excuse to live
I still love Al Pacino
and kittens
and crazy chicks
ps I almost shaved my head today
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 17th, 2005
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dead things can be very lovely
nothing is as solid as a closed case
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 7th, 2005
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god_is_red's journal
hopeful.